


Don't let me fall deeper now

by qnuua



Category: Ski Jumping RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Andreas is frustrated, Established Relationship, Fluff, I don't know how to tag this it's a mess again, Kissing, M/M, Stephan has rules, they are there for each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 07:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18406178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qnuua/pseuds/qnuua
Summary: It is simple math: four places in the team, five men fighting over those places.Stephan doesn’t get a spot in the team for the large hill competition in the World Championships. Andreas helps him get through the disappointment.





	Don't let me fall deeper now

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a quick thing to get off my mind before finishing _Draw the Line_ , guess I'll never learn that everything I intend to be quick and short always ends up being something more. This was never supposed to be published, I was merely having fun writing whatever I felt like, but I kind of liked how it turned out in the end so I thought what the hell. Maybe it'll bring joy to someone else too.
> 
> Rated M because I'm paranoid and feel like it's better be safe than sorry. No sex here but that's not because of the lack of trying so... the rating felt right for me. (I'm having a tiny crisis over all the small things before posting, aaagh.)
> 
> Once again this is written with the utmost respect towards the jumpers, no harm/disrespect intended towards any of them. I don't know the real people, and all you read here is my imagination. This is purely fiction and me playing with words and characters.

It is simple math: four places in the team, five men fighting over those places. Everyone knows one of them will be out. Andreas assumed he would be the one who wouldn’t get a spot. He does that a lot, at least according to Stephan: assumes things. He can’t even begin to count the times when that has gotten him into trouble. Mainly with Stephan who never assumes anything. Stephan is a pessimist and refuses to take anything granted. It’s a problem. Andreas thinks it’s as big of a problem as his optimism is. 

They’ve had fights over that countless times.

_“You can’t just assume both of us will be on the team next season, Andi.”_

Or:

_“Will you please just once assume your boyfriend does want to have sex with you even though you think you look like shit and haven’t brushed your teeth!”_

Even after years of practicing they are still sometimes struggling to find that balance between them. Andreas thinks it’s great. It keeps things interesting. Stephan says he’s annoyingly positive even about fighting.

Not this time though. He can’t find a way to be positive about this. He assumed again. His season has been far from perfect so far. He’s been struggling with his jumps, with consistency and confidence. It’s been hard. He was sure he would not have a place in the team. The others have been outstanding. That fourth spot was so clearly Stephan’s, and Andreas was ready to accept his place as the fifth man in the team. That hurt. No one wants to be a spectator when they could be competing, but Andreas came to the team meeting prepared to hear the cold truth.

But that isn’t the case. The fourth place isn’t Stephan’s. It’s his now, and Stephan is out of the team for the first competition in these World Championships. Stephan who has worked so hard to be here. Stephan who is living one of his best seasons so far. Out of the team, pushed aside to make room for Andreas, and he doesn’t understand how this happened. 

Stephan got out of the meeting room as soon as Schuster had excused them. There had been an uncomfortable silence in the room after he had left. Andreas didn’t dare to say anything. Markus was the one who broke the silence.

“This part is the worst,” he said. They had all agreed, Andreas a bit more slowly than the others. Someone being left out always hurt. This time it had been a choice between Stephan and Andreas, and that hurt a little bit more than anything else. Andreas is happy about getting the chance to compete, he is. He knows he didn’t really steal Stephan’s place, it’s the coach’s decision and everyone has to earn their place, but a part of Andreas still feels like his place isn’t his really. It should’ve been Stephan’s.

“One of you better win on Saturday so we’ll have that fifth spot next time,” Richi muttered before leaving the room. 

Andreas left soon after, mind going on overdrive when he walks back to their room. He’s freaking out and that can’t happen right now, because this isn’t about him. It isn’t his disappointment, his hard work not paying off. It can’t be about him, because Stephan is hurting, and Andreas needs to be there for him. It needs to be about Stephan, he was the one who was dropped out of the team. But this is all so sudden and neither of them were prepared for this.

Well, that’s a lie. Andreas wasn’t prepared for this because he assumed again. Stephan didn’t assume. Stephan with all of his frustrating pessimism probably thought this would happen. He came to the meeting prepared for this outcome.

Andreas wasn’t prepared. He isn’t prepared. He doesn’t have a plan for this, he has no idea what to do. 

He’s terrified when he opens the door to their room.

Stephan is already there, of course he is. He is sitting on his side of the bed, his back to the door. Andreas closes the door after himself, and Stephan turns to look at him over his shoulder.

“Do you want me to go?” Andreas asks because he can’t read the expression on his boyfriend’s face and that scares him. He should go, he kind of wants to run away and be a coward instead of facing his boyfriend. The fear is irrational. He knows Stephan would never blame him. 

“It’s not your fault,” Stephan confirms what he already knew.

“I know. That doesn’t answer my question though.”

“No, I don’t want you to go,” Stephan mutters. 

“Okay.” Andreas comes closer, sits on the edge of the bed across from Stephan. “Tell me what you need, anything. Tell me how I can help.” He can be anything Stephan wants, he needs to be. A boyfriend, a teammate, someone to blame, someone Stephan can yell at, vent his frustration. It can be his fault, if that is what Stephan needs. He didn’t win that gold in Lahti. If he did, they would have the fifth spot open for Stephan. He can take the blame, it is his fault.

He wants to be blamed because that would make him feel better, and that is selfish. Andreas is being selfish. This isn’t about him, he reminds himself. Not his disappointment. 

Stephan doesn’t seem that disappointed though, just tired. 

Andreas want to touch, but he is too afraid. Stephan still has his back to him, and Andreas can see how tense he is. He wants to help but he doesn’t know how to start, because Stephan won’t look at him, and Andreas needs his guidance, he relies on it. He wants to touch, relieve that tightness but he doesn’t know if his touch is welcomed. He doesn’t know because this keeps happening over and over again, and Andreas is afraid that at some point it will get too much to handle. One time it is going to be too much. Too big of a disappointment, too unfair, too wrong. 

He doesn’t know how Stephan handles it every time. Stephan is so strong. Andreas couldn’t, he would’ve broken already. But Stephan doesn’t break. Stephan takes a deep breath and turns to him.

“I need,” he begins and seems to be exhausted. There’s a sad glimmer in his eyes. Andreas hates it. It shouldn’t be there, sadness doesn’t belong to Stephan’s face. He needs to see the smile again, the happiness. “I need you to tell me something happy.”

“Okay,” Andreas is quick to agree. He can definitely do that, he can help. “Only one more month until the season is over,” he begins with the first thing that comes to his mind. He grasps Stephan’s hand and laces his fingers through Stephan’s. “I cannot wait for it, to get away with you. I just got the confirmation from our resort the other day. We’re going to have an ocean view from our bungalow, the place is literally ten meters from the sea. I’m going to wake up to see the sunrise in the morning, and I will drag you with me, and you will complain but secretly love every minute.”

The smile tugs Stephan’s lips. Andreas grins. He knows his boyfriend, and seeing that familiar smile back on his face makes him bolder. 

His hand sneaks to Stephan’s chest, and he pushes. Stephan goes willingly, lies down against the pillows, and Andreas climbs to sit on his lap, straddling him.

“And we’ll have sex on the beach,” he continues, grinning.

“We absolutely won’t have sex on the beach,” Stephan intercepts. “The sand will go everywhere, and it’d be awful.”

Always the pessimist, ruining all the fun. 

“Fine,” Andreas complies. “We’ll be boring and have sex only on our bed.”

“We’re not boring,” Stephan whispers. 

“Of course not, love,” Andreas assures and bends down to kiss the older man. The kiss is just a peck, tender touch of their lips. Andreas pulls back, hand resting on Stephan’s chest. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently.

“Our sex life?” Stephan tries to joke, but Andreas can see that the smile on his lips is forced.

“You know what I mean.”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You can yell at me if you’d like,” Andreas suggests. “It’ll make you feel better.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Stephan says looking at him like he can see right through him. He probably can. “It’ll make _you_ feel better.”

That is true, Andreas knows it. He would feel better if Stephan yelled at him. He wants to be yelled at, he wants Stephan to let out his frustration. Yelling would help. But Stephan doesn’t yell. Instead he props himself up against the headboard. His hands rest on Andreas’ thighs, rubbing small circles on them. Andreas sits on his lap, not quite knowing what to do with his hands.

He was supposed to be the one helping Stephan get through the disappointment. Instead it’s him who is getting more upset and needing the comfort while Stephan just sits there calmly, burying his feelings, hiding them under layers and layers of indifference. It wasn’t supposed to turn this way, yet it always does, because Andreas wears his heart on his sleeve while Stephan keeps his hidden from the world.

“It is what it is, Andi,” he sighs. “It isn’t all that surprising. I knew this could happen. So what if I don’t know how to win medals? I’ll live.”

“He said that?” 

“Well, no. He said you know how to win medals.”

“You’ve won medals.”

“Not individual ones.”

“Yes, because you always get dropped out of the team for the most stupid reasons so you don’t even get a chance!” Andreas can feel the frustration rising. The anger is churning in his stomach, and he feels like punching something. Or crying. 

Meanwhile Stephan sits there staring at him calmly, and that frustrates Andreas even more. He wants him to yell or cry. He wants him to take the anger out on something, on him. He wants Stephan to act like he would, because even after all the years he still can’t understand how Stephan can be so calm about everything. It hurts, because he knows the calmness is often just a facade. There is anger, frustration deep inside Stephan, there are those ugly thoughts, so carefully hidden. There is a sea of self-loathing, and Andreas needs to find a way to pull Stephan out of that sea of thoughts. It’s hard, because Stephan hides it all so deep and keeps falling deeper without asking for help. Andreas has learned that the hard way, and they are both still learning: asking for help and giving it. 

Stephan rubs soothing circles to his thighs and smiles when Andreas finally looks at him again.

“It hurts and sucks that I don’t have the chance to jump,” Stephan says calmly. “But I’ll have another chance, plenty of chances in fact. This is only the first competition in these Championships.” He smiles and lifts his chin a tiniest bit, asking for a kiss. Andreas huffs before leaning closer.

He intended for the kiss to be soft and chaste, a loving touch of their lips, but Stephan refuses to let him go so soon. Stephan needs more than a fleeting touch, and Andreas is powerless to fight him. This is Stephan asking for so much more than a kiss, and Andreas is willing to give him everything he has. He clasps his hand on either side of his boyfriend’s face as Stephan deepens the kiss. His tongue delves inside Andreas’ mouth, gently searching, probing as this would be the first time, as if he wouldn’t know the exact way Andreas likes to be kissed. Their tongues slide together, breaths mingle, Stephan’s hands are on his back, pulling him closer. Andreas cups his jaw, tilting his head to a better angle.

Warmth spreads through his body as Stephan’s tongue strokes his, and they are flying together. There is no time, no world around them. They are wrapped up in each other, and he’s tasting only Stephan, feeling only him. The kiss is a slow dance between the two of them, and it’s familiar and electrifying, and even after all these years this man still takes his breath away. Stephan nips his bottom lip before resting his forehead against Andreas’.

Andreas opens his eyes, then squeezes them shut again, because seeing Stephan’s smile is too much at the moment. Stephan kisses him again, this time softer, gentler. He brushes Andreas’ lips, gently sucking the bottom lip before pulling back. 

“I hate you,” Andreas whispers, breathless against Stephan’s lips. His lips tingle, the pleasure is running down his body. He shifts on Stephan’s lap, pushing his hip forward, and he knows Stephan can feel his excitement because the man beams as he pushes Andreas further away.

“I really, really hate you,” Andreas mutters because he knows how this will end up. It won’t be a mind-blowing orgasm and a hot make out session in the shower later, because his boyfriend is an idiot who likes to follow the rules and has probably the best self-control in the world. It has become a game between them: Andreas trying to get Stephan to break, Stephan pushing him away when things get too heated during the competition trips. 

“Now, I believe you wanted to make me feel better,” Stephan says smiling innocently up at him. 

“Kissing doesn’t make you feel better?” Andreas asks leaning closer again, but Stephan avoids his lips by turning his head. Andreas ends up pecking his cheek instead which feels disappointing after the kiss they just shared.

“Tell me more about our holiday,” Stephan laughs when Andreas whines. 

“I’d rather kiss you,” he murmurs. Stephan keeps avoiding his lips, so he places a kiss to his jawline instead. The older man keeps stubbornly quiet while Andreas tries to coax sounds out of him. He brushes his lips on the side of Stephan neck, sucking gently at the tender skin.

He knows sex is never the best idea when their teammates are getting ready for bed in the other side of the wall, but that doesn’t stop him from trying, it never does. He won’t win, he already knows that, but trying is part of the fun. There will be a day when Stephan’s self-control crumbles.

His hand sneaks under Stephan’s t-shirt, and he smiles against Stephan’s neck, nips the skin and kisses the mark he left before working his way down. He places a few kisses to his collarbone before continuing his way. Andreas can feel the muscles under his fingertips, the firm stomach against his touch, and he lifts the shirt out of the way. Stephan is being useless. He lies there against the pillows like a ragdoll and refuses to help to take his clothes off. 

Andreas huffs before he starts to map out the muscles on his boyfriends stomach with his mouth. He’s nothing but thorough, taking his time, kissing every inch slowly getting closer to the nipples. He pushes the shirt out of his way as he goes, licking, sucking, smiling when Stephan starts fidgeting. He tries to be subtle about it, but Andreas knows he’s not as indifferent as he’s trying to be.

A soft sound escapes from Stephan’s mouth, and Andreas grins. He kisses the skin over Stephan’s heart, sucks a mark there, trying to distract the other man enough so he wouldn’t notice the fingers that are trying to sneak past his waistband. 

“Hands where I can see them,” Stephan orders immediately.

“Fine.” 

Andreas hides his grin to Stephan’s stomach, secretly congratulating himself every time he can coax out the bossy side of his boyfriend. He lifts his hands up and places them on either side of Stephan. He doesn’t need hands after all. This will definitely work without them. He smiles as he noses Stephan’s stomach, licking his way down to the waistline. Nearly there, he thinks, tracing the muscles with his tongue. He smiles when he hears Stephan let out a quiet moan.

He’s winning, sliding down ready to mouth Stephan through his trousers, when Stephan stops him.

“Rules,” Stephan reminds him when he lifts his head to pout at the older man.

“Fuck the rules,” he says and palms Stephan over the fabric of his trousers. Stephan is growing harder under his touch. Andreas smirks and tries to slide back down, but Stephan stops him again.

“Stop trying to have sex with me,” the man laughs, his eyes are sparkling, and if Andreas didn’t know him better, he would think Stephan is enjoying getting him all hot and bothered just so he can leave him hanging like this. “We agreed. Never before the competition days.”

“Technically – “ Andreas starts. It’s not a competition day for Stephan tomorrow. They should take advantage of the loophole. It’s only the qualification after all, and Andreas can come up with a bunch of reasons why having sex before the qualification would be a good thing. It would take the edge off, help him relax. It would certainly help Stephan take his mind off of things. 

“No!” Stephan laughs and pulls him up again. Andreas goes and gets a kiss for complying. It is not as thorough and satisfying as their earlier one, but that will have to do for today. He gets another one – a quick peck on his lips – when he climbs off of Stephan and lies next to him instead. 

“You’re the worst boyfriend,” he mutters. He is staring at the ceiling willing his arousal away.

“Glad to hear that,” Stephan answers drily. 

“I’m horny.” He is definitely whining and he doesn’t care. Stephan is quite frustrating with his love for following the rules.

“And whose fault is that?”

“Yours,” Andreas fires back. He tries to sneak his fingers lower on Stephan’s stomach but the older man slaps them away. “I swear you must be the only person in the world who enjoys foreplay more than sex.”

“Well – “

“Seriously?” Andreas turns to his side so he can look up at his boyfriend. Stephan is still sitting propped up by the pillows. He looks down at Andreas.

“No, I love sex. I love it the most when we’re home alone and you can be as loud as you’d like without our teammates having to listen the things that come out of your mouth.” Stephan tries to sound indifferent, but he can’t fool Andreas. Andreas can see the blush on his cheeks, and he knows Stephan loves it when Andreas gets vocal in bed. Not that he’d ever admit it.

“The walls are not that thin,” Andreas mutters although he knows he’s fighting a lost battle. Stephan grins at him.

“You think?” He knocks on the wall by the bed. “Markus?” He doesn’t even have to raise his voice much.

“What?” a slightly muffled answer comes a few seconds later from the other side of the wall.

“Good luck tomorrow,” Stephan calls out, smile growing on his face as he looks at Andreas.

“Thanks! You too. No – fuck! Sorry! Want to talk about it?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks. Andi is here.”

There’s a pause before Markus answers again. “Oh. Right, I see. I’ll put some music on and I won’t hear a thing. Have fun! Good night!”

Stephan lifts his brows. Andreas refuses to look at him.

“Told you so,” Stephan says because he’s an idiot.

“Shut up,” Andi huffs and turns back to stare at the ceiling. They are quiet for a long while. Long enough for the mood to change from playful to more serious. Andreas hears Stephan sigh, can practically feel the thoughts bleed off of him. He fumbles to find Stephan’s hand, then tugs the man down. Stephan adjusts his position easily, sliding down the pillows to lie next to him.

Andreas rolls over, intertwines their fingers and rests them on Stephan’s stomach. Stephan wraps his free arm around his shoulders, holding Andreas even closer. Andreas loves lying like this, with their limbs tangled, his head on Stephan’s chest. They don’t usually need words, but Andreas can feel Stephan’s mind still being somewhere too far away from this moment. He wants to pull his boyfriend back from those thoughts, that was the whole point. Helping Stephan the same way Stephan always helps him.

“We are going to have the most boring holiday ever,” Andreas tells him after a while. Stephan makes a noise which Andreas interprets as a cue to continue. So he does. “We are going to lay side by side on the beach reading books. And we’re only going to have sex once a day in our bed before we go to sleep. Or maybe we won’t have sex at all. Maybe I forget the lube home and if you want to have sex with me you’re going to have to go to the front desk and ask them where you can buy lube out there. I’d like to see that. You are adorable when you blush.” Andreas caresses Stephan’s hand with his thumb. 

“We won’t be thinking about ski jumping at all during those two weeks”, he continues. “We are only allowed to think eating, sleeping and each other. Oh, and I want to go surfing again. Do you think they have good waves there? Then maybe we can rent bikes and drive around. Let’s be lazy the first week and then do all the activities during the second week.” He listens to the steady beat of Stephan’s heart as he talks. He doesn’t stop to think about what he’s saying. He never needs to, not with Stephan. 

“Imagine all the food we get to eat when we don’t have to worry about our weight anymore. I already googled a few restaurants near the place where we’ll be staying. There was this one which looked super romantic, you’ll love it. I’m going to take you out on a proper date. And if you try to get a food poisoning again, I’m breaking up with you.”

Stephan laughs quietly. Andreas tries to be stern. 

“Seriously I’m going to find a hot Swedish tourist and run away with him,” Andreas threatens. “The last time was a disaster. Nothing kills the mood better than you puking your guts out in the bathroom when I tried to be romantic for once.” 

Stephan doesn’t say anything. He pulls Andreas slightly closer though, so Andreas keeps talking. He tells him about all the things he has googled already. Stephan is weird about holidays. He figures out the basic things like how to get to their hotel from the airport or do they need to get any vaccinations before the trip but apart from that he likes to wing it. Andreas on the other hand likes to be prepared. Planning is part of the fun.

Andreas tells him about the their tiny bungalow on the beach, nothing too over the top, just enough for them. He talks about the beaches and the sunrises and midnight swims. He swears to find a way to have Stephan agree on recreating the kissing scene from _The Beach_. Just the kissing part, if Stephan doesn’t want to have sex in the ocean. They can go inside for that part. 

Stephan huffs. It’s not a hard no, so Andreas will take it. He has five weeks to persuade him. 

“Thank you,” Stephan whispers after Andreas has been quiet for a while, thinking about all the ways he could coax Stephan out for a romantic midnight swim. He blinks, coming back down from his daydreams and cranes his neck to look at Stephan.

“You’re so weird,” he huffs and plants a quick kiss on Stephan’s neck. “Thanking me when I threaten to break up with you. Refusing a blowjob and all my romantic holiday plans.” Andreas hides his smile to Stephan’s chest. Stephan’s fingers run through his hair. 

“Thank you,” he repeats, serious. 

Their legs are tangled together, Andreas’ head resting against Stephan’s chest. He can feel the heartbeat under his cheek. 

Sometimes he wishes he could shield Stephan from the outside world. He wishes there would only be the two of them, safely in a bubble away from everyone else. He wishes the outside world would be just a distant hum around them, that it wouldn’t matter. He knows it’s impossible, but he’s glad he can do this: take Stephan’s mind off of things, pull him to their safe little bubble with his words, keep him from falling deeper, even if it only lasts for a while.

He smiles, then squeezes Stephan’s hand and snuggles closer to the man. 

“Anytime.”


End file.
